Friday, 27 March 2015

Oliver Clegg - a synopsis for a musical

The opening scene sees Oliver Clegg and his Libdems looking forlornly down from the Strangers Gallery in the House of Commons watching their elders and betters getting fat on the gravy train of privilege. They trudge glumly out onto Westminster Bridge singing:

"We'll not get a shilling nor a groat nor a penny nor a pound of our expenses"


As they reach the middle of the bridge they all climb on the parapet facing Westminster Palace and sing:

"Votes, glorious votes, that's all that we care for.."


Then jump into the Thames to end it all forgetting it is high water, slack. Some swim to the banks having blown yet another photo opportunity. Oliver Clegg is too weak to swim to shore and clings onto a buoy marked Palace of Westminster sewer outlet - do not obstruct. Intermittently swallowing more crap from the Palace of Westminster outfall, he sings the heart rending:

"Where is Gove? What have I been thinking of?"

Eventually Oliver Clegg can no longer hold onto the buoy and gets swept downstream by the ebbing tide where he eventually is caught by the rubbish gathering net near Tower Pier. The local charge hand, Mr Cameron, fishes him out, dries him off and straightway sees a commercial opportunity and hawks him round the City of London to the cry of:

"Libdem, Libdem for sale, going very cheap, only seven guineas that or there abouts."

After a bit of haggling Oliver Clegg finds himself sold onto Fred the Shred, a man who likes to think he is a bit of a wheeler dealer, but his shabby second hand suit which has a large patch on the backside of his trousers suggests otherwise. Fred introduces Oliver to the rest of his workforce with the humourous:

"In this life one thing counts, in the bank, large amounts, I'm afraid these don't grow on trees, you have to pocket an MP or two boys, you have to pocket an MP or two."


He then shouts at them to get to work sanctioning as many paupers, sick and OAPs as they can or they will not get any supper and be out on the streets themselves. There is an interruption to all this hard work when Esther Makeshay and her lover-boy Duncan Sykes come into encourage Fred's operations, Duncan Sykes mumbles his way through:

"Strong men tremble when they hear it, sick folk die in fear of it, Kiddies cry cos they can't bear it: Nobody mentions - my name!"

Esther seeks to lighten the mood with the sing along:


"I'd do anything for 10p, anything for 10p, that's all I'm worth, you see."

Those seeking a happy ending for Oliver Clegg better look else where - this is about as good as it gets as - at the end - the underpaid, under fed, demoralised Oliver Clegg is carried out in a cheap cardboard coffin, having hung himself, by his security pass, from a filing cabinet in the Crapita - DWP office, and is turfed unceremoniously into an unmarked paupers grave as the chorus sings:


"Who will buy this Westminster Parliament, stinks so high I fear it could fly.."